A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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