my phone needs a breathalizer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
