don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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