I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
