i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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