We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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