Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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