There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
