I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
