i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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