so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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