I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
