and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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