I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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