i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
