mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
