I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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