Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
