im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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