I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
