I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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