so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
