it wasn't lemon gatorade
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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