I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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