i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
