I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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