I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
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Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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