i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
