Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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