im drinking this country out of the recession.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
