I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
