Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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