My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
