You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
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I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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