you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
