I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
