Jerry, you need to find god
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
