So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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