He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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