I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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