my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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