Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
