Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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