no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
