highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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