Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
