Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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