The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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