In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
