I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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