she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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