Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
