I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
