dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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