If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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