Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
