He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
