She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"