My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
