I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad